05.30 The Six Million Dollar Man And The Bionic Woman
07.30 Kyle XY
01.00 Mystery Science Theatre 3000
The Six Million Dollar Man And The Bionic Woman. "Return" Badly written and badly made, it has a few nice moments, but is definitely one of the worst TV movies I have ever seen.
There are many reasons why watching this is torture:
We are asked to believe that Steve Austin was a father from before the time of the original series. A father who abandoned his son and has never made contact with him. Not only is this an awful addition to the character of Steve, it leads to several awful father-son reunion scenes in the movie.
Tom Schanley lacks the charisma and acting ability to cut it as TV superhero. And the idea that he was cast in the hope of spinning him off into a television series of his own simply boggles the mind. The guy is awful in scene after scene. Part of the problem is the dreadful material that he is given. At one stage, after being captured by the bad guys, he babbles on and on about some imaginary motorcycle that he is building in his head to keep sane. Or something. I doubt that any actor could make such awful idea work on screen, but Tom Schanley certainly lacks the talent.
The cast is bland. One of the worst scenes in the movie is a bar scene where Steve's son is having a drink with his air force buddies. It's a dopey scene, anyway. The fight starts off when a bunch of guys start picking on young Austin and saying that his dad is a coward. Seriously? What kind of bunk is this? Has this writer ever been in bar? Or does he have any idea what people actually talk about? In bars? Or anywhere? Or how a bar fight between adults might start? But, I digress... this scene is filled to the brim with bland actors. It is impossible to tell one buddy from another, or to figure out which one is the bad guy from shot to shot.
The story is relentlessly stupid. Not that there is much of a story. The movie consists mainly of Steve talking to people, while the action that drives the story is mostly reported to Steve (and the viewer) long after it has happened. Hey Steve, the main bad guy broke out of prison while you were talking with your son! Hey Steve, the OSI managed to locate the bad guys HQ, while you were talking with Jaime! And so on...
Even the bad guys are stupid. They want Steve because they know he is bionic, yet they repeatedly go after him and behave as if they had no idea he was Bionic. Guys, let's menace him from a moving car, there's no way he could outrun us...
The heroes are ineffectual. Michael Austin is a newly created bionic man in this movie. He is far superior to Steve and Jaime. Yet he is easily captured and has to be rescued by a whole squad of his friends. Steve and Jaime, meanwhile, do absolutely nothing in the movie. They are targeted for kidnapping and spend the movie's few moments of actions reacting to attacks upon them. At the very end of the movie, the OSI - somehow - located the HQ of the baddies and tell Steve and Jaime where to go. They arrive with a whole squad of armed people and proceed to do very little that is useful. Jaime, at one stage, is about to be shot down in cold blood, but a no-name minor character saves her by shooting down her attacker.
Huh?!!
On the plus side, there's...
...not much. It's nice to see the four main actors from the series on-screen together. And references in the script show that the writer has a good knowledge of the 70s originals.
However, this is still rubbish.
Kyle XY. Season 2, Episode 19. "First Cut Is the Deepest" Jessi XX is one of the best characters on television right now, and Kyle XY is one of television's best superheroes. This episode sends both of them to a college to research Jessi's mother and it's cracking character study. The two super-powered individuals are wonderfully contrasted: Jessi pushing to win at all costs, Kyle motivated by genuine concern for her well-being.
The final moments, where Kyle hugged Andy, sent shivers down my spine and brought tears to my eyes. Amazing TV.
Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Season 7, Episode 15. "Kitten With A Whip" The movie being shown in this episode starts off being good, when a mild-mannered senator is taken hostage by a hot 17 year old girl. Yes, I said "hot 17 year old girl." Don't laugh. It works. Kinda. In a Twilight Zone morality play kind of way. However as the movie unfolds things get completely goofy.
Ann-Margret is hot in this movie, but she can't act and John Forsythe (as her hostage) isn't much better (the MST3K guys continually call him 'bland').
Anyway, after a good first quarter, the movie starts to lose me when the hero keeps making very stupid choices. He has chances to escape his deranged, erratic captor but he always pauses to show concern for her when he has the upper hand. And he always gets over-powered again. By her, or her very odd friends.
The MST3K gang have a field-day with this nonsense, of course.
Highlight? Kyle XY (the hug with Andy)
Yet Another TV Review Podcast
Yet Another TV Review Book
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A Briefing With Michael: One Year Ago
Sun, Dec 28, 08 - Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, Kyle XY, Mystery Science Theatre 3000
